Noah Pukerman Must Die
by alexdemyx
Summary: When Puck's latest set of girlfriends are thrown into the same gym class they discover that they're all dateing are fav. mohawked guy. So they set out for a crazy revenge seeking scheme pulling are favorite male soprano along for the ride. KurtxPuck
1. Chapter 1

My whole life I've been sort of invisible. No one pays attention to the loser nobodies, will besides the occasional slushy to the face and any other pranks the so called popular kids can think up. Yep, I'm definitely a social outcast; I can't find a single click to fall into. I also can't seem to get a boyfriend but that's a different problem entirely, seeing as know one knows I'm gay and I don't plan on coming out to a school of homophobes anytime soon. But this isn't about me Kurt Hummel no this story is about Puck.

Noah Puckerman is the man, the captain of the football team; he lost it to the homecoming queen and the prom queen at the same time. He not only seems to run his own cougar business, but also has the whole female population drooling over his every move. He has three girlfriends not one or two but three.

First he picks a girl from separate groups to go out with, so they don't talk outside of their group of friends. He then tells them he can't announce the fact he has girlfriend and then pushes for a "secret" relationship. So girlfriend one and girlfriend two don't catch on. He's got it mostly figured out except for a few things like me finding out. So how do I know all this? Will it doesn't take much detective work when the stupid jock picks the same restaurant that I happen to work at for his dates.

Yes, every other Friday I have to play host for the school's biggest man whore. But his brilliant scheme would soon go up into smoke you see as luck would have it all three of his current girlfriends happen to have gym the same period this semester and will when we get into the volleyball unit they like to combine all the classes and divide them up into teams.

So here's how it went down girlfriend one Mercedes was on a team with me and girlfriend two Rachel Berry. Meanwhile we are going against girlfriend three Santana and her buds Britney and Quinn Fabray. Now Rachel is one of those girls who can't seem to get a boyfriend and plus she likes to brag. So sadly for Puck she decided that she needed to pass her dating status to the fourth member of our team Tina.

"Tina guess who's dating Puckerman?" Mercedes "accidently" served the ball at Rachel hitting her in the head. Causing Rachel to turn and glare daggers at her.

"He's mine stay away from him!" Of course you know where this is going, catfight.

"I'm dating Puck!" Rachel states with furry in her eyes. Santana coming over after hearing Puck's name quickly followed by her best buds.

"Wait what you doing to my man!" Santana bursts out while Quinn yells "Pucks mine he'd never go for either of you stop deluding yourself." Apparently I miss counted, sorry folks; Puck is even more stupid than I originally thought. Now the hair is being pulled and fists are flying and of course scream's of he's mine ensue. It was rather pathetic actually and I was kind of enjoying watching the fight until Quinn pushed Rachel causing her to fall on top of me. Let me tell you that girl is not light.

"Enough!" Sue Sylvester yelled separating each girl from clawing each others faces off. Gently Rachel lifted her ass of me while I quickly got up inspecting the damage. "What was this about?" Mrs. Sylvester demanded from the cheerios.

"These girls said they were dating my boyfriend." Rachel said hotly.

"Your boyfriend Puck would never go for you." Santana scoffed. Causing the girls to go into yet another claw fest while the cheerio's coach tried to separate them. I don't know why but something inside me snapped.

"This guy is cheating on all of you and your beating each other? Honestly!" I yelled, causing each girl to turn their head to stare in shock.

"Umm… who are you?" Brittany asked with her usual confused expression. I ignored her and headed towards the locker room, leaving Mrs. Sylvester to deal with the cheated girls.

That should have been the end of it. I should have happily gone through life without those girls ever bothering me again. Instead later that day Mrs. Sylvester tracked me down and gave me detention saying, I shouldn't have left class and that fight was as much my fault as the others. Where is the logic in that last part don't ask me.

Luckily or unluckily if you're me, we ended up with Mrs. Holland who just takes attendance and then ditches the detentionees to go bother the other teachers. Leaving us students to do whatever, heck if we wanted we could ditch the room ourselves roam the school and the town. Not that I'd ever do that.

"Kurt right?" Rachel asked me as soon as Mrs. Holland left to go who knows where. I just nodded, to be honest I'm not accustomed to anyone really talking to me seeing as I don't have friends just bullies. So as all of Puck's girlfriends migrated to my table I just starred dumbstruck.

"Kurt we need your help." Quinn said simply while the others all nodded.

'W-with Wh-hat?" I stuttered they had never even talked to me before besides the occasional insult or assigned group project.

"Will it's simple really we want to get back at Puck. He didn't even have the decency to tell us a diverse story when we all confronted him." Rachel answered.

For any one curious apparently all the girls asked him if this scandal was true and he repeated the exact same monologue to each of them. Seriously it was word for word, he must have practiced this little speech hundreds of times.

"Yes that boy needs to pay; no one does that to me." Mercedes said with no small amount of anger in her voice.

"Okay and why do I have to help? And what's in it for me?" I asked looking at the women surrounding me; let me tell you I felt like a trapped gazelle about to be eaten alive.

"You see we've been discussing it and we all agree that it would be quite effective if we made Puck feel the heartbreak he put us through." Rachel supplied while I just starred at her wondering if she always talked so much. How simple is it to just say "We want revenge".

"Yeah and we were thinking sense you kind of seemed like the voice of reason today if you'd help keep us from ripping up each others throats." Santana said casting the other girls except Brittney a glare.

"We still don't know how to get him back though." Brittney said with her usual somewhat dazed look.

"So you want me act as an intermediary and help you come up with a plan." I stated summing up their very lose job description. "But again why would I want to help you guys?"

"Simple because if you help us, Santana and I can make you so popular that your morning slushy showers will be a thing of the past." Quinn said with a smug smile causing my eyes to pop out of my sockets.

"I'm in!" I quickly replied.

Slushy baths are not fun. I figured helping them was a small price to pay to keep my perfectly pampered face and amazing cloths safe from the syrupy ice of doom. Plus a small bonus, popularity usually entails an entourage of mindless robotic friends to care for your every whim. Yeah, I want true friends to think for them selves and like me for me but seeing that I have none mindless robots sounds pretty nice right?

"Great, now do you have any ideas on how to make that boy squirm?" Mercedes said smiling evilly. Suddenly I found my self fearing for Pucks manhood seriously that black woman seemed like she wanted to castrate him.

"Ummm… will don't we want him to fall for someone and have her break his heart?" Santana asked reminding them all of them original plan.

"Yeah, but hears the kicker ladies," Brittney started looking around wildly then whispered to her best friend "I don't see any kickers." Santana rolled her eyes saying she'd explain later. "Umm… where are you going to find someone to pretend to be in love with Puck. Then you have the problem of getting Puck to like her and convincing the girl to dump his ass." I said stating some pretty important flaws.

"Oh, getting Puck to like the girl won't be a problem if she's got boobs he'll pin after her. Though then again there's always an exception to the rule." Quinn said casting a smug look at Rachel, causing the self-proclaimed star to smack her across the head.

"Ladies please!" I said rubbing my temples exasperated.

"Sorry," Rachel apologized and then it happened she had the idea that would change everything. Slowly her eyebrows arched in surprise at how brilliant it all was causing us to become curious. "It's so simple."

"What is?" Brittney asked unsurprisingly confused. We all nodded in agreement wanting her to fill us in on this simple plan.

"Kurt can do it." I'm pretty sure my jaw was on the floor when she said that.

"E-excuse me? Me, But I'm a guy?" I stuttered out, wondering if she was on something. I've been hearing rumors that you can purchase some marijuana from someone called the Chronic Lady, whoever that is.

"Exactly!"

"Excuse me but I'm still confused here what exactly are you thinking?" Mercedes asked looking back and forth from Rachel to me.

"Puck considers himself a stud right." We all nodded causing her to continue. "So I think it stands to reason that if a guy did the heartbreaking not only would it have a stronger impact. But then he'd be even further humiliated." I just starred at her while the others quickly signed on to making me the heartbreaker.

"It's brilliant Puck would never live it down." Santana smiled.

"We could make a documentary of it to then show the rest of the school, I have a camera." Rachel supplied. Volunteering the camera she used to keep her talent out there via MySpace.

"Hey aren't you forgetting I'm still a guy. I don't have the boobs so he won't pin after me."

"Easily fixed, if we get a wig we can say you're flat-chested. Besides you'd make one hot white girl." Mercedes smiled and despite my better judgment I couldn't help but blush at that last part. It takes hours to keep my self looking this good and it's always nice to hear that it's been paying off.

"Fine but first off what in the world makes you think I'd want to date Puck of all people even just for pretend. There are so many flaws in this plan we could call it Swiss cheese, then there's the fact I'm not gay." I lied through my teeth, but come on I'm so far in the closet I'm in Narnia. I haven't even told my dad yet, trust me that's not a conversation I'm looking forward to. So why on earth would I tell these people I hardly know the truth.

"Please." Rachel said rolling her eyes. "You are either gay or one of the most extreme metrosexuals I know. You wore a corset to school!"

"What's a corset?" Brittney asked while Santana shushed her.

"Will I'm not!" I said in a huff hating the fact that she was dragging me and my sexuality into this mess. As the star rolled her eyes at me I quickly packed up my things and left. "I'm out." I called over my shoulder. Thankfully none of the female hounds followed, we still technically had five more minutes of detention but after the days fiascos I didn't care.

As I headed to my car I was in my own little world wondering if I had made the wrong decision. I was so caught up in this dilemma that I didn't notice Puck hiding behind the dumpster. Before I could let out a yelp, him and couple other Neanderthals lifted me up and would have tossed me and my Armani jacket straight in the dumpster if the quarterback hadn't rushed to my safety.

"Hey guys coach says we need to get back to practice breaks o-ver…"He paused noticing me. "Umm… what are you doing to Kurt?" He knew my name, for a moment I forgot everything but then the jocks dropped me and I fell flat on my ass again.

"Nothing, just having some fun." Puck smiled picking up my bag and tossing it towards me. It hit me in the face. As I got up to size up on any damage to my cloths the football players left leaving me with none other than Puck's best friend. Also known in my mind as my knight in shining armor the boy I love, Finn Hudson.

I've been in love with Finn for awhile now, since the first day we met. I had been walking down the hallway when suddenly I found myself shoved face first into a locker by Puck the mohawked bully. Finn being the nice guy he is quickly apologized for his friend's behavior.

Ever since I've been head over heels in love with the guy, Later on I learned he was on the football team, my daily neighborhood bullies. So of course when he gives into peer pressure I'll get the occasional prank from him. I still remember those pee balloons and I have a sneaking suspicion that he might have been in on the whole nailing my lawn chairs to my roof prank.

Anyways the worse part is that Finn is straight. He went out with Quinn briefly until his bud hijacked her and then I think he had a small fling with Rachel also taken by Puck. Anyone else noticing some trends here?

"So uhh… Kurt I better get back to practice." Finn said shuffling his feet obviously nervous.

"Oh will thanks for the h-help." I responded gesturing at the blue dumpster.

"Sure bye." He said turning around walking away then when he reached the football field he turned around to grant me one finale wave. I was in bliss all the way to my car I smiled like I was on drugs and in a way I was. Sadly my journey to my car was short lived, apparently someone up there decided that I needed another obstacle.

"You're in love with him aren't you?" That obstacle was Rachel; slowly I turned around to find her and the trio of cheerios. "I'm right!" She smiled at her own genuineness.

"Wait he has a crush on Finn? My ex?" Quinn shrieked.

"So he really is gay?" Brittany stared around confused.

"He's my ex too!" Rachel smirked happy to have a way to annoy the head cheerleader. Before Quinn could start another catfight Santana stepped between the two to speak.

"So I'm guessing you don't want Finn to find out right?" My eyes were as wide as saucers, knowing were this was going, black mail. "Girls I think we have ourselves a heartbreaker meet Kate." I gulped what had I gotten myself into.

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Allrighty this fanfic i'm actually really excited for and i hope you are too! Now there is a few things i've got to mention.

1. Story stuff

-There's going to be some stuff that will follow the show but obviously not everything will. For exsample no one's in glee yet. There will be some crossdressing and i'm gonna try my best to stay true to the charectors.

- Okay i know that some of you will be waiting for the next installmeant. but it might take a bit. Reasons bieng- there are kinks in this story idea i need to solve. i've got a lot of projects in the makeing (sorry). However i have at least started on ch 2.

2. Okay i have to say that the Meet Kate at the end is kinda important. I picked that name for Kurt's female alias for multiple reasons.

- 1. The main female charector in John Tucker is named Kate. 2. 'Playing Dressup'- great fanfic love it. 3. due to playing dressup and the closeness of Kurts name to kate i think that should be the official female name for kurt. 4. It's meant to be

3. Last thing please comment and check out my futre and present glee fanfics! see ya next time :)


	2. Chapter 2

I may be amazingly fashionable and good looking but I'm not brave. Bravery means to stand up to your fears and conquer them. To be courageous and I just can't do that.

Yes I can't seem to tell my father the truth about my sexuality or stand up to my bullies. So I just take the easy way out by pretending to have nonexistent marchioness and getting myself picked on every day.

But recently I've found a worse fear, girls set on retribution so seeing as I couldn't fight them I found myself joining them in the library to discuss the matter of Puck.

McKinley has a wonderful library if you bother to take a look. I know I've found plenty of wonderful books to read but as a sat across from Britney I couldn't help but think it was her first time.

"What is this place?" She asked looking around apparently scared as if she were on an alien planet.

"Brit you've been here before it's the library." Quinn told the blonde annoyed at Brittney's loss of memory.

"Alright I'm here what I miss?" Mercedes huffed rushing over to our designated meeting table. Rachel had wanted to use the auditorium's prop house room but apparently the auditorium is off limits until Principal Figgins can figure out which of the jocks decided to T.P. the stage.

"Will I'm being blackmailed into helping a crazy plan that's destined to fail." I replied at least in my head. "Not much right now where waiting for the anti-Barbie. As you can see we've got the other two already here." I whispered the last part gesturing at the two blondes which received a small smile.

"Your right where is the ugly Barbie." Quinn asked out loud.

"Miss ugly Barbie is right here, thank you and why Barbie's?" Rachel asked coming from around a bookshelf but before taking her seat she 'accidently' knocked Quinn with her bag.

"Because they're blonde and fashionable! Everything your not, Therefore anti-Barbie." Quinn smiled evilly though I couldn't help joining in; Rachel is definitely not my favorite person at the moment. Seriously she did out me and my crush on Finn. So can you really blame me?

"Alright welcome to the first meeting of Female's out to Kill Noah Puckerman!" I coughed for attention, she's not ignoring me dame it. "Oh, and Kurt." The brunette haired pop star smiled while I tried to restrain myself with one small fact. Murder is illegal.

"So just to fill you in Mercedes, Kurt has decided to at least consider being our undercover operative." Rachel supplied not mentioning the reason of my consideration, blackmail sucks.

"Is that Coach Sylvester?" Brittney abruptly asked, sure enough as we all turned to look we saw none other than the cheerio coach herself.

"What on earth are you three doing in a library with them?" Mrs. Sylvester asked gesturing at the non-cheerleaders, like me, as if we were garbage. Which in a way we are the garbage of the schools social ladder but that tends to happen when your outcasts.

"Destroying a man!" Yes my friends Santana actually said that, but the strangest part was Mrs. Sylvester's reaction.

"Okay play nice girls." That was it. No chastising or even questions. Just that simple sentence that made me wonder is this really an acceptable and normal thing in are society, to quote on quote "destroy a man." If so I might become a hermit.

Will it must be in Sue Sylvester's world since she left to go towards the nearest bookcase to pull books off the shelf. As she sat down at the table near us I couldn't help being weary.

"Alright back to business guys!" Rachel smiled cheerily until Brittney waverly held up her hand. "Yes Brittney."

"I'm pretty sure were all girls right?" The star and I both rubbed are foreheads exasperated. I was too annoyed by her stupidity to even correct her on my gender.

"So as you are now all up to speed." She said nodding to Mercedes. "Any questions?"

"Will I have several first off how on earth do you expect to pull this off? For one thing you'd think he'd be smart enough to notice I'm a guy right. Secondly how would I even get him truly interested enough for him to be serious? I mean I wouldn't be able to try and woe Puck at school and let's be honest being the hormonally charged teen he is, he'd have to see the _babe_ more than occasionally to be psyched about his new catch." I took a breath looking at their faces to see if I had successfully popped their bubble.

"I uhh… that's not important if he truly likes the female persona of you he'll spend every waking hour not in school to be with you." Rachel smiled falteringly obviously trying to convince herself. But knowing Puck would never be satisfied with seeing some supposed girl worth giving up all other chicks, only on weekends.

I would have said her bubble was popped if not for the small fact she's Rachel Berry; whereas the others looked around at each other deflating at the obvious flaws Rachel would not give up.

"I feel it is time to open the floor to any suggestions to make our plan a success." See what I mean, the girl can't take a hint when it comes to failing. Everyone as suspected stared around looking at each other, knowing full well they didn't have diddely squat.

"I guess we'll have to find some-" My heart skipped a beat ecstatic that they were finally seeing the error of their ways till…

"First off you get off your monkey asses and get lady face hear enrolled as his namesake." Just when I finally thought I was free, who else but couch Sylvester could suck me back into hell.

"Were you spying on us?" Rachel asked shocked, as if she'd never suspect our couch to ever pull. _Oh, no_ Mrs. Sylvester never video tapped Carmel's cheerio practices. Which everyone knows is a total lie, but which ever.

"If you call unwelcomingly listening in on a conversation, to study the future bringers of the downfall to this country, then yes. Yes I am." If there's one thing I admire in Miss Sylvester it's her amazing quips and comebacks. I wish I had some of those up my sleeve. Seriously then maybe those stupid jocks might think twice before dumping me in with all the garbage every dame morning. Then again even when I try it fails to even put a damper on their 'Let's dump Kurt' mood. I should probably quite trying…

"Wait why would you want to help us?" Santana asked jumping straight to not trusting her which is quite understandable the cheerio's couch has always been known to never do anything without some benefit to her.

"Let's just say you're all so pathetic that I can't help but to offer my assistance. Honestly I now fear for the future where you all are society's 'hope'." See what I mean she knows how to talk if not be nice. "Besides this sounds entertaining and could put a damper on Mohawks spirits I'm sick of hearing girls whine all the time. Oh he dumped me, he broke my heart boohoo. Suck it up! At least you lady's are willing to fight back so for that reason I'll help."

"Really!" Rachel beamed no literally beamed it looked like a holy light had shined down to deliver her okay I guess that is an exaggeration especially seeing as claws were coming to drag me to hell so that's not quite deliverance.

"Yes, now pipe down before I change my mind." Immediately Rachel resat sealing her lips perhaps for the first time in her whole life. Yes, Rachel Berry was now mute.

"Now first things first is I'll need to go have a chat with Figgens on enrolling ladyface here as a girl. I'll just say you're my niece who moved here and my annoying brother can't be bothered to enroll you. Then I'll have you enrolled in all your normal classes and transfer your grades at the end of this fiasco of fun. We'll say for now Hummel's visiting his grandma cause she's dying or some other bunch of crap."

I could only stare at the queen of schemes and couldn't help but shudder at how easily she was jumping over our biggest hurdle. "Sound good so far." Couch looked at us all the cheerleaders were smiling happily. Mercedes was stunned whereas Rachel had a Cheshire cat grin plastered on her face.

"Perfect. We can handle the rest I'm sure."

"You better now I'll need Hummel's new name and ladyface you joining cheerios Puck's more likely to notice you then and he's seems to have been with the whole team at some point." At that last comment the girls all seemed sick which I couldn't blame them but Couch made since Puck can't seem to resist those short red skirts.

"Thanks Couch. His new name's Kate. Kate ummm…."

"Snow." Brittney said staring at me. "Like Snow white he's so pale." She then went off into whatever land her mind resides in while everyone agreed for lack of anything better to name me Kate Snow. Pathetic just pathetic…

"All right then Monday we'll start this escapade you can change in the auditorium's dressing room it's away from prying eyes and I'll get it unusable for the masses." With that Sue Sylvestor left us to figure out the remainder of the kinks and leaving me to think that seriously someone must hate me up there. It just keeps getting worse and worse…

* * *

AN: So sorry guys for the wait but Ive been so busy and well sorry to say I kept putting this off. So anyways this chapter i know is kindof lame and potentially a bit rushed towards the end i might correct it a bit later... but i needed to make the crossdressing fit and well the plan fit in general lol. and the only one with that power was Sue it took me forever to see why she'd help them but tis Sue so i think i got it. I know she dosen't have a secound sibling but that my children is lyeing lol. And i went with Snow cause that's the actors last name who played Kate and plus Kurts pale Hahah. So please review!


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